motel television

When hunny bunny and I went away last weekend we checked into our motel and hurried to get dressed to go out for an evening on the town.    We had the television on, mainly because some people out the back were having a “moment” that went on for like a whole bunch of moments, and we needed to focus on matching shoes to dress.  Yes, it takes both of us.

This show came on about “animal cops.”  I thought, “finally someone is going to start charging those deer and kangaroo for jaywalking” because they never cross the highway where the signs say they can.  They just make their own arrangements.  But nope, I was wrong.

And I would just like to say that someone, somewhere, should insist that psychological profiling be done on all applicants BEFORE they are approved to become an “animal cop.”

I am pretty sure the term is not about the intended targets of their protection, as much as it is a description of their own character.

This dude suspected some deer poaching was happening.  He referred to the case as a “murder investigation.”  He went back to get a warrant and  the animal swat team but not before they secured the house with a  surveillance team.  They did not want the suspect trying to flee the country, and he only had a six pack of beer in there between  two men so the probability that there might be some fleeing attempted at some point … was imminent.

In fairness, I should mention the surveillance team did not have any beer.  They were complete professionals.

On camera, on the way back to the house, the “animal cop” talked about “sparing no expense,” and “never giving up.”  He had a nose for these things and he KNEW that this was their guy. Gut instincts are not just for humans anymore.

So they got back with their warrant and they stormed the house.  They tried to get the “perp’s” buddy to roll over on him, telling him “don’t lie to me, I can tell when you lie,” and “you be straight with me and we will cut you a deal.”  And then they fed him, “I am pretty sure you had nothing to do with this, and if you tell me that right now and tell me where the deer is, this can all go away.”

I dropped a shoe and sat down on the bed.

Deer murder.  Reality TV at its best.

They searched the house and they found …. (if you are reading this in the office you should have someone do sound effects here like  duh duh  DUUUUUUUH!) bullets!  They found bullets for a high powered rifle and they were pretty sure the deer would have been shot with a high powered rifle.   The guys house had deer antlers on the wall everywhere.  It had hunters clothes hanging in the closet.  There were gun cases everywhere.  The two dudes looked like they were probably poster boys for the supermarket chain “Hunters R Us.”

My mind was blown at this point.  If you need to go and get a cup of coffee to make it through the rest of this post I can wait for you.  This is just the beginning.

There were lots of all kinds of bullets in the house.  The house was a hunters cabin.  It was one of the neatest, most organized hunters cabin I have ever seen.  Ok I have not seen THAT many hunters cabins in my lifetime but in my head when I imagine a hunters cabin, the antlers, the bullets and the guns are more disorganized and tossed kind of willy nilly around the cabin.  I think this dude was like an OCD hunter.  His bullets were all neatly in boxes and labelled and things.

Then they opened up a room and found all the equipment for hanging and butchering a deer.  AND when they got their knives out and scraped the apparatus, they found what they thought “could” be deer blood.  The other guy started digging on the very clean cement floor underneath the apparatus saying “if there is any more deer blood here, we will find it.”

I believed him.   Completely.

Now they didn’t go into detail here but my mind was racing.  I was thinking, “hmmm hunters, in their hunters cabin, with hunting guns etc, who make no secret of the fact they hunt, which is legal under the proper circumstances.  They  clearly butcher the animals so at least, along with the antlers on their walls, they are making use of the meat, and it is not just trophy hunting.  (On the list of things that endear hunters to me – that is a big one.  )  So yes I am sure there is deer blood to be found in the house, despite the fact that is one of the cleanest rooms I have ever seen.  But ummm …. HOW will they determine that it came from THE deer in question?”

I know you are miles ahead of me right?  A whole new reality series – Animal Forensic Files – with pictures and footage of the deer frolicking in the forest, the neighbours saying how much they loved that deer, and some people believe the deer was murdered and others think it got hit by a truck?  A forest divided and only the lab can help solve it … In 48 hours, Confidentially, etc etc.

Well these cops were never going to stop.  They started looking for the deer in the underwear drawer, in the “my little pony” coffee cup, in the back of the toilet …. and then they found a crack pipe in one of the drawers!  To be fair I thought it might be one of those  blowers we got as kids where you could put a ping pong ball on it and blow and keep the ping pong ball in the air.  Yes we did that when I was a kid because yes, we were that stupid.  Although, in my defence  you did get kind of a head rush when all the oxygen was gone and you know when I think about it … THAT was probably the gateway drug for crack.  So ya, the cop was probably right to identify it as “drug paraphernalia” and besides finding evidence of deer murder was not working out so well and the cameras were running, and his mom was going to watch the show, and he had a job to do.

I didn’t even want to hear about funeral planning, Big Bob’s new 2 for 1 deal at Toiletarama, the new specials at McDonalds, or ANY of the other 18 commercials.  I could barely breathe waiting for the show to come back on.

They threw those hunters down on the ground, tasered them a couple of times, and put them in the back of their ute.  The animal cop did not even break a sweat and he wrapped it all up for us and said, “yup yup … we managed to find some deer blood and in our search uncovered some evidence of drug usage.  I am not surprised.  Deer Poaching and drugs go hand in hand.”

And the other shoe dropped.

And I thought about all the drug users that you see in those flop houses, and lying in the streets.  And i thought about all the movies with drug addicts in them.  And I thought about Dr. Drew and his rehab show with all the celebrity drug addicts … and I was nodding.  He was right  … the one thing they all had in common was their dead deers.  You see it ALL the time.  The drug addict passed out  .. . wasting their lives and the dead deer … lying there on the coffee table right next to their crack pipes.   My respect for the “animal cop” went through the roof.

I am never ever going to let my kids go out anywhere near where the deer and the antelope play.  I realize the animal cops have to investigate all the murders but those deer are clearly a very bad influence!