no fat lady

This is a story of love and loss.  It is safe for work in that you can’t see me sitting here naked typing BUT if you have attended tons of courses on assertiveness training and body language and faking it until you make it …. worked hypnosis and heavy medication to try and keep your bottom lip from quivering when the boss yells at you … you might want to take your lap top into the bathroom with you where you can have a private stall and a steady supply of toilet tissue to read this heart wrenching, moving story.

Oh and if you can dim the lights and ask maintenance to play some soft sad piano music  over the loud speakers in the bathroom … that would be even more epic.

The internet is obsessed with my sex and dating life.

I thought my pics actually looked not too bad but evidently I need my penis enhanced because I keep getting mail.   I have to admit I didn’t even know I had one.  I can’t even find mine.  I am tempted because I would like to see if the upgrade affords me more than the sluts it keeps trying to find me.  Who knew there were so many sluts living “close to me?”

I like the pics they send of men looking for a hot date … What is this guy?  12??

hot date 2

Did Lego go out of business?  What happened to comic books?  Is his life so bereft of fun he has to turn to dating … already?  I thought Facebook didn’t allow children to have accounts?  I wonder if his parents know he crawled out of his crib and is trying to date online?

But I do have my own offers.  I just suck at deciding.

I was sitting around the other night watching my cell phone in case someone was trying to call me and the ringer suddenly shorted out and decided it was time for me to try the “relationship calculator.”  You know that one?  You put in your name and the name of the other person and for just 3 easy payments of 29.99 it tells you if you are compatible?  This is legal people I swear.  The other person doesn’t even have to be a willing partner and I think if the calculator gives you the green light you can go ahead and move in with them while they are work and just show them the legal proof that you are meant to be together forever when they get home.  You don’t even get arrested or accused of stalking because EVERYONE with any brains uses the relationship calculator.  We have to.  The old wives that used to tell us what to do and when to do it and how to do it … died.

I had to know .. I was not going to start out the new year with any dead baggage ….

I had two names … yes two … that I had been trying to decide between for years, both of them having had up and down relationships with me .. good times and bad …. tears and laughter … but something was always just kind of missing and I had to know which one was the right one for me ….

I carefully typed each name in turn and to my surprise .. NEITHER one were compatible with me at all. I cried, but knew what I had to do. I decided, best to come clean and just tell them both at the same time. I pulled in a crack support team of experts to help with grief counselling  for these two as they heard the news and then had to come to terms with the next few weeks and months and years … (I could go on but I won’t because I know you can’t stay in the bathroom forever) without me ….

Slowly I walked to the room where everyone was waiting  ….. opened the door and entered. They were sitting there, looking at me … I took a deep breath and started ….

“Mom … Dad …..”

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