My granddaughter asked if we leave the dead spiders bodies on the floor as a deterrent to other spiders.


We do.

I cannot believe it.  This is like the Never Ending Story except without any cute kids or a flying puppy.

I think the insects of Australia are conspiring against me.  They get together and they plot on how they can drive me insane.   They hand out my picture and they hunt for me.  They get special awards and gifts for the number of times their creepy little legs or wings or antenna’s touch my body.

They don’t fly in the window and buzz all over anyone else’s face … they buzz in MY window.  ALL the windows in the car are open.  There are people in the car that would probably coo and pet the damn things but nope … they only fly in my window and touch my face.

At the party the other day, I was on fly patrol.  We opened up the one wall onto the outdoor patio to accommodate party goers and pool patrons with ease.  That meant the flies were free to visit the kitchen.  I was in the kitchen of course, with the food.  Everyone was complimenting hubby that there were NO flies outside and he is like nodding and accepting their praise as if HE had something to do with it.  You know, the early morning meeting, where he told the flies what we were going to be up to  and the flies, being so impressed with his oratory skills, were motivated to stay away.

I don’t think so.

I was taking one for the team.  I was in the kitchen with the food and did not even have a mouth guard to protect me.  I was armed only with a tea towel.  It was my job to protect the food and let me tell you … I am a gifted tea toweler.  By the end of the night the floor was littered with dead flies.  I was getting 2 and 3 of them with one snap and yes, I AM considering getting a T Shirt AND a trophy attesting to my talent … thanks for asking.

Thanks to me, the food, and the guests were safe.

And then, last night I was sitting typing and this fly was just sitting there on my wall.  I could tell it was deformed because of the way it moved.  It was a ZOMBIE fly, back from the dead, come to torment me.  It sat there and even when I went to get the tea towel it just stood there with its dislocated shoulder and smashed wing, threatening me with its beady eyes.

I nailed it.

And then an hour later I see it coming across the desk.   It had crawled back up the side and was heading across the desk dragging it’s 2 legs, another one in it’s mouth, one wing missing, the other mangled, its head bandaged and that really goulish makeup that all Zombies wear … it was coming for my hands.  It was going to FREAKING touch me.  I grabbed the tea towel and started screaming at it.  “STOP TRYING TO TOUCH ME!  I DON”T WANT YOU FREAKING TOUCHING ME.  WE ARE NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP.  WE WILL NEVER BE IN A RELATIONSHIP.  SO TELL ALL YOUR CREEPY FRIENDS THAT THIS IS A DEAD ZONE TO YOU.  MY BODY IS MY SPECIAL FLOWER AND NO-ONE IS ALLOWED TO TOUCH IT WITHOUT MY PERMISSION!!”

I am not sure which of the neighbours called Department of Children Services but did you know they won’t protect you from Zombie insects.   They actually lectured me on the rights of the bugs.  I apparently have none.   I hope Australia knows that their government considers it ok for Zombies to be all over you.  Like no-one is going to make a tear jerking after school movie over YOU being killed by a bunch of Zombie bugs big enough to carry off your house with you and your entire Greek family in it.    I bet there are people all over this country being touched by insects as we speak and no-one even cares about the amount of distress this causes.

Insects have no respect for personal space AND they won’t stay dead.