FLUFFY

I was sitting around the pool with hubby in RL and admiring his budgy smugglers when I remembered!   I rushed right here to the ‘puter to share … well technically I called my therapist first ’cause I promised to share any memory return – that is always soooo important after a series of shock treatments.

It was a cold and rainy dark dark night and Walmart was still open.  This was before the unfortunate incident with the police, the underwear and the taser guns and the lifetime banning so I was still allowed in the store.  In fairness to me, Madonna made me do it.  I just thought if I put my hello kitty training bra and matching thong over my clothes I could multi task . . . shop AND date.  I thought the outfit said wayy more than some profile on a dating site ever could.  I think everyone over reacted.  THAT woman who was screaming for a “clean-up” in the aisle I was in and pointing at me has always hated me ever since I took all the Hamburger Helper at the last big Grocery sale-o-rama and scramble.   She didn’t even have the mic or the authority to be screaming like that.

The police officer came in with his bullet proof vest like my panties were loaded or something.  He looked at me, watching carefully while he was dialing his phone, and told me no-one there was going to hurt me …. I smiled at him and told him I already knew that because I am bullet proof and had tinfoil on underneath my clothes.  I snorted a little and tossed my head … which was kinda embarassing ’cause I had to go and ask the lady for my teeth back and she didn’t even know they were stuck in her hair and she started to scream and yell “get them out, get them out” and I kinda had to bitch-slap her… but she calmed right down then.

I don’t know why the evening news had to be there, or why my mom got all upset . . . at least I had clean underwear on.

So obviously I could not have gone to Walmart AFTER THAT incident.  This is just to prove to you I am telling you the truth about what happened . . . this clearly happened before that one.

On the cold and rainy dark night I went to the pet section and people are so helpful there … bless them … they all just stay out of your way so as not to interfere.  They don’t like to burden you with information about what you are shopping for or directions or anything.  I was thinking, how would someone know they are buying the right stuff and then my mind went immediately to solving this for the world and before you knew it I had my cape and leotards on and … I just couldn’t help myself. I skipped around the store picking up everything I needed for a perfect aquarium.

It was the most beautiful set-up you have ever seen.   I took it to the til and pulled everything out of my cart  and they asked if I found everything ok and I said “yup” and they said “this is nice coral” and I said “yup” and I put everything through for them to scan. Tank, food, coral, treasure chest, bubble maker, chemicals, little blue budgie, fishing net, a book called “The Aquarium – Your Special Special Friend”, and some colored rocks. Nothing more was said.  No-one can accuse those check out people of being too nosey or pushy.   They just stand there looking constipated and put out their hand to take their money.

I gathered up my things and ran home willy nilly.   I was so excited.

A few hours later, wiping the tears from my face and the snot from my nose, I returned to Walmart.  I got my return tag from the nice lady and stood in line, my hand clenched tight at my side and water dripping silently down my leg and making a little pool on the floor.

When it was my turn I went up to the desk, tears sliding down my cheeks and raised my clenched hand and set it in between us.  I opened my hand slowly and tilted it slightly and out rolled the very wet and lifeless body of the little budgie.   I tried to speak but the word would not come out, so I just kind of pointed at it and then nudged it with my finger.  She jumped backwards and screamed,  “OMG…. is it dead? ”

I nodded.

She grabbed her chest in horror and with all the commotion management came.  They looked at the sad little budgie, laying on the desk in a pool of water and stood in silence looking at the wet bird and then at me.   I choked out the words we all knew and no-one would say but me ….. “It couldn’t swim…”

The manager asked in almost a whisper, “Did you buy that here?”

I nodded and showed him my receipt.  “His name was ‘Fluffy.’  No-one told me that he needed Scuba gear for the aquarium.  I thought he could swim.  I thought he was holding his breath.  He wasn’t …”  and I broke down completely.

“Birds aren’t kept in an aquarium!”

“They’re not??”

“NO!!”

“How was I supposed to know that? ”   I shared every detail with those sick sick people of how I got home, set up the tank like the instructions said and then got the budgie and put him down in the water … placing a piece of coral on him so that he wouldn’t keep floating up to the top … “you know I just thought he needed to be acclimatized. And then he made this funny little sound and stopped moving. I tried CPR but then when I took a big breath to begin mouth to mouth I accidentally sucked his whole head into my mouth and then his beak got stuck in my teeth and it was … just .. soooo sad . . .  and damn them for not telling me at the til. ”

Then they asked what on earth possessed me to put a budgie in water and I showed their stupid asses that the budgies were right there beside the aquariums and they said “oh no that is two different sections” like I had taken the Walmart pet section training and was some kind of a professional who would know this just by looking at it.

Did you know that if you cry loudly enough people give you things?

They gave me my money back. Walmart is good like that. They have 2 people who now man the pet department at all times and all the cashiers had to go visit the SPCA for sensitivity training – although they are still free to abuse the human beings.  No-one seems to care much if human beings are abused these days.  Walmart even personally escorted me out of the store so ya …. I signed a waiver that I would not be around or near any fish or birds for 10 years.  Like I can even get over the trauma of having lost “Fluffy” in 10 years.  That bird was my everything.

Anyone wanna buy a used haunted aquarium?  Sometimes late at night the fish swear they hear a bird chirping.

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