You know how when you are out standing in the field for hours and days and years, waiting for life to happen, for the band to arrive and to recognize the incredible superstar material you have always been … and then no-one shows up and suddenly your legs are aching and suddenly you realize  . . . you have cellulite?

That’s when the wheat starts talking to you and you think, ” hmmm, maybe grasshopper was right.  I should look at a few things in my life and do a New Year’s Resolution List.”   Now I am not totally buying into this stuff about me being responsible for my life and stuff … I still think my grandparents have a lot to answer for but I am willing to give this another go.

So, this year I decided that I need to be kinder to my brother, except that . . . I cannot stand my brother. He is the reason that I missed out on the first 15 minutes of Love Story at the Drive-in on account of he left me locked in the trunk so he could play baseball with his new girlfriend and finally make it to first base,  when he knew darn well Aardvark and Humpydora (the grandparents) were counting on me and my profound ability to tattle, to make sure that the rumours they had heard about Drive-ins was just an unfortunate misunderstanding as he had sold them over the morning bacon.

It wasn’t, and I am pretty sure they knew it.  Some people just want to be fooled.   I mean when they used to get in their wagons and drive out to the evening puppet shows down behind the cow shed, they themselves were participating in recreational kissing.  So believe me they knew.   I hope you know how hard it was for me to just type those words.  I think something inside me just died … like something more precious than my innocence.

The dilemma for my grandparents was . . . hand us both over to Satan OR enjoy a quiet evening at home without us. Quiet always won. I don’t think my Grandfather was that afraid of Satan on account of he was a firm believer in being able to beat his children into accepting Jesus as their personal Savior. He didn’t need Satan.

So ya . . . the big decision about resolutions . . .

I am going to be kinder to my brother. Unfortunately he is still lost in the mountains somewhere.  I really can’t remember where I buried him.

If anyone knows where I can get a new brother,  I am taking applications now. I promise I will be nice to them. Oh and I need references. I have had one guy apply all ready and he was such a baby about having the monitor strapped to his leg with duct tape that I should have known. He managed to gnaw it off his leg and run away after only 24 hours.

I have a bunch of personal resolutions this year – I think I may actually be insane because I keep doing this year after year and expecting different results. I hate disappointing myself.

I Like to wait until everyone else puts in their resolutions, and has a chance to already fail, so that when I put mine in and it is a week before I fail, it actually looks like I lasted longer. I think I may have some magician in me somewhere …. being able to confuse people comes so naturally.

So without further adieu (and I would so “do” more “dieu” if I had any idea what the hell that means …) my goals for this year are…..

1.  I am not going to be afraid to come out.  I am standing in my front yard right now as I type this.   I found an old cigarette box strap and I am wearing my lap top. It feels so good. My neighbour walking by shouted “what the hell are you doing on your lawn naked with that lap top?”

I said “I came out.”

He ran.

I felt so free … although running after him and typing at the same time will take some time to get used to …

2.  I am going to try really hard this year not to stab anyone. My compulsion to stab stupidity is really born out of a good place.   I truly want to help make the world better BUT I recognize there might be a better way of doing it. I will pray someone will reveal that to me and for the time being . . . I have hidden the knives in my purse.

3.  I will make a concentrated effort to accumulate more than 3 friends on my friends list, even if I have to sign up to social media sites with phony names to do it.

4.  I am going to be more patient and just await the “Joy” that everyone talks about it.  If she ever does show up,  I promise not to stab her.

5.  I am going to try and make up my own mind more and stop relying on the relationship calculator to determine my relationships. I will give mom and dad one more try even though 3 different calculators told me they are not compatible with me.

6.  I will accept that it is true I might have a demon and I will try to drink more milk.

7.  I am going to try and recognize that I may be part of the problem with the situation with the neighbours and to that end, I am going to try and stop hiding in the bushes and jumping out and trying to hug them whenever they walk by. If I can’t do that I will at least make sure that my breath is minty fresh.

8.  I am going to let my children know that I have boundaries and they cannot just push me around anymore. Visiting days are only on Sundays and only a security guard is allowed to wheel me into the garden.

9.  I will try to eat more healthy foods, grass and bark is evidently not enough for some people, so I will start on dirt.

10.  I promise to curse less. I am not fucking stopping altogether … but I will try to do less … or else I will just not go out as much, or maybe I will wear a disguise.  I think I might be able to give up a swear word over Easter or something, at least while I am in church for that one hour.

11.  I am going to stop being careful what I wish for and just admit that I really do want a proper Canadian steak sandwich and that beet root in any sandwich is just wrong.  When these Australians start adding egg and pineapple  . . .  there really are exceptions to the stabbing rule  . . .

That’s it . . . I am going in the house now . . .  I am done with fields . . .  and besides my neighbour just told me he called the cops.