Facebook has become a very unsafe place to be . . . so much so that usage should come with a free delivered pack of protective gear.

First there are the taunts from Facebook itself  . . . “Aria has 0 friends, come on guys help Aria find friends, may we suggest your mailing lists from your email accounts? How about your christmas card list? Your mother’s christmas card list? Are you able to break the code on the company computer and upload the employee list? Are there any names scratched on the cubicle you are currently sitting in?”

Just to stop the incessant taunting you actually start looking for people that disappeared from your life 20 years ago and for good reason.  How quickly we forget the basic rule of friending.   If you have not spoken to them in 20 years  . . .  the wood is wet.   There is no rekindling going to happen here, so save the matches.  At least you will be ahead  . . . instead of no friends and no matches at the end of this you will have . . . matches.

Hey, it’s a start.

You forget to put your privacy filters up, and soon the dead wet stinky wood finds you and under the guise of “hey, how the heck are you?  I always wondered what happened to you after that bucket of blood incident at the prom.  Those were the days huh?” and you fall for it because Facebook brainwashes you into thinking friendships are good. Friendships are possible.

They’re not.

Friendships are evil.

When people are betrayed, it is a friend who does that.  Stabbing in the back . . . a friend.   And friendship, a la Facebook, does not have a security check to make sure all friends pass through the portals to your page sans the knives, scissors and guns.  Some of the those people have weapons . . . like my mom got through with her egg beaters. 

And these “old/new friends” start with “hey just cruising the neighbourhood in my brand new baby blue rolls royce . . . that makes 3 for me . . .  and 2 for the wife.   Ahh life is sooo good.”   And then there are all those pictures of the perfectly manicured home with the family in matching clothes equally manicured and tooth capped to perfection all smiling at the camera taunting you with unspoken choruses of “loser loser loser.” You quickly take down the pic of you as winner of the pie eating contest at the farmarama tractor pull held last spring …. somehow the engraved ashtray just does not seem as shiny as it once did.

And then there are the woman wars silently fought as another variation or slambooking.  You know, where your “friend” decides to comment on the pics of the kids in facebook, speaking to your daughter . . .  sort of . . .

“Aww look at the kids, they had so much fun so.  Sorry that your gift got lost in all the shuffle Muffy.  Don’t know how that happened and it was such a special gift, your mom making it and all.  I don’t think Mindy has ever had anything quite so “colourful,” and “special.”  It would have come in handy next year when we go to Canada. Darn I may have to fire one of the maids, they probably accidentally threw it out when it got mixed up with the wrapping paper. The designer clothes, perfume and jewellery the other girls gave just do not compare to the thought of the homemade gift. Do thank your mom for me.”

And Muffy’s mom responds on the next pic, ” ohhhh you are so right the girls look like they are having such fun . . . wait . . . I see something orange hanging out of your shirt!  Did you stuff your bra with the scarf?  Again?   Wow, no wonder you couldn’t find it.   Who ever looks in your bra these days? LOL”

Those are called the introductory blows, now the women are circling each other writing in a way that shows them as being kind, and then effective and witty … they need their followers to high five their efforts often.

“Haha you are such a crack up.  No that is not the scarf.   I told you silly, it must have accidentally got tossed with the wrapping paper.   I hope that you did not callous your fingers with all the knitting.  I just didn’t even know people still do that anymore. It is just soooo like you, you always were a homemade kind of girl.   Remember that dress you made for grad?  It was sooooo fluffy and … fluffy ….”

“Not to worry about the scarf. It was no big deal.” (even though you actually pulled that wool from the carpet with your teeth and Muffy’s dad carved knitting needles from the pine boxes you use as chairs. Muffy felt it was worth it to give up her chair just so her daughter could have a nice scarf to wear, even though she spends most of her time butt naked in her room now to make the clothes last longer. But life is like that and YOU have a Facebook special wecial friend . . . rekindled wet wood . . . still drying out.) “When are you going to Canada? Should be a lovely trip.  Make sure you check out the Moose.  They are so cute . . . be sure to try and pet them during rutting season.. That is when they are the friendliest. :)”

Then you get to learn how difficult it is to figure out how to unfriend them and mute them. Facebook  wants everyone to experience stalking at least once in their lifetime.  That is so you can feel more empathetic when they do those Saturday afternoon made for TV stalker movies.  It is a great experience, when you realize that, thanks to Facebook, the stalker loser who found you again has all your personal information and is actually standing in the bushes in your yard each morning when you get up, posting pics of you on his facebook page, photoshopped to show you and him “dating.”

And the cool thing is you can do it all with little sparkle ponies and happy smiling faces all over your Facebook page so that it helps to ease the pain of the stabbing and slamming going on.  You may get absolutely skewered by a “friend,” and it may hurt, but then you look up and see the cute little puppy scampering across the page, it all goes away and you go back for more  . . . cause we are suckers for cute baby animals.

Oh and we are stupid.

Is that not the metaphor for all life?  Everything seems better with a cute will happy face right? Just wait until you have the highest bowling score you will show them.  It will only take you 8 solid weeks of playing to beat your old high school nemesis.  And then,  you can show them all that your celebrity look alikes are the real hot people not the A-/B+ list. Make them EAT that if you were one of the seven dwarfs YOU would be Doc, and when you die it will be in New York City, at a huge gala event with the president. You can also wow them with the fact that your IQ is higher because many a good slambook debate has been won over, “How high is YOUR IQ? 62??? Well facebook just confirmed mine is 63!!!

That is it .. Nothing more need be said.

Facebook has spoken.

Match Set Point!

(your grandSLAM trophy can be downloaded for your facebook page for a small fee, and much much more personal information about you, your entire family and 800 names of people living around you ….)