Spider Bears

I whine about the spiders in Australia, because we Canadians are good at it, and then the Australians complain about the bears in Canada. Let’s compare:

1. I have never woken up from a dead sleep to a tickling sensation on my arm, only to find a bear sharing my bed and racing across the arm towards my left boob. Not EVER. Spiders .. . all the time. (OK I exaggerated a little, sometimes they are racing towards the right boob)

2. “You unknowingly swallow 4 -5 bears a year in your sleep,” said no “creepy but interesting facts” website EVER. Spiders . . . all the time.

3. Bears deposits from their bums go on the ground, under brush, to be incorporated into that motherly nature circle of life stuff. Spiders deposits from their bums create large webs to capture you when you are just trying to walk through your yard. Bears do not use invisible weapons that they hang in the trees EVER. Spiders . . . all the time.

4. Spiders clearly have bigger eyes than their stomachs. They have no concept of size ratio. No Bear tries to eat a dinosaur, EVER. Spiders always kill big things, like humans, and they don’t even eat them.

5.  You can see a bear coming, giving you time to run, hide, play dead, etc.  When you put your foot in your shoe, not knowing the spider is hiding in there, it is too late to run.  You can only play dead, for real.  Bears NEVER hide in your shoes.

6.  Rangers can spot bears and give warnings.  By the time anyone spots a spider, they are probably off their muffet and dead.

7. Bears don’t put their feet on people and creep them out, EVER. Spiders put ALL their feet on people all the time.

8. You know when a bear bites you. There is blood. You don’t accidentally get bit by a bear hiding in your sleeping bag and not know it, EVER. Spiders do it all the time. They bite you and sometimes you don’t find out until you are dead.

9. It is called a “Teddy Bear,” not a “Teddy Spider.” Fuzzy, cuddly bears that comfort sick and sad children are understandable. Spiders are never fuzzy, cuddly, comforting OR understandable.

10. You never have to worry about WHERE the bear went. They can’t fit under the couch, in between the cushions, or even into a crack. The bear in the room is like the elephant in the room, only with sirens and fireworks and your name written on its teeth. There is comfort in staring death down eye to eye and knowing how many seconds you have to live. Spiders play mind games and have teeny shifty eyes.

11. Climbing on a chair and screaming when you see a bear in house is pointless unless you want to irritate the bear. This may seem unimportant except when you consider men in Canada not only live longer than Australian men, their hearing is better.

12.  Nothing kills a spider, not even a flood from rain, they just live to climb the water spout another day.  You can kill a bear.  You see the proof in bear heads in hunting lodges and bear rugs on floors.  Name one spider anything you have?  WHERE ARE THE FREAKING BODIES IF THEY CAN DIE??

13.  NO bear has ever come into my house and got stuck in a wine carafe.  EWWWWWWWW.

spider

I put a towel and a heavy book on top of the carafe and locked myself in my office on the other side of the house until my husband came home.  I heard him comforting the poor little “baby” huntsman as he carried him to his shed and let him go.  He hoped I had not scared him too badly.

Hash tags not used but completely appropriate #therealreasonforunexpectedweightgaininyoursleep, #australianmanluckytobealive.

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