Auntie Soshel

This week’s questions come from two young women, caught up in the life and death struggle of their romantic relationships and what to do with their significant other.  I am sure many of you can relate to their heart wrenching dilemmas.

Dear Auntie Soshel; 

I have been going out with this guy for about 3 years and I am so over it.   He is such a loser and so needy and clingy.   I need to dump him but I don’t know if it is easier to just leave without saying anything or whether I should invite him to dinner and break it to him nicely?  I don’t want a big scene or anything because I know I am sure about this.  What is your advice? 

Desperate for Freedom 

Dear Desperate;

Put him in a cardboard box, drive out into the country until you see a nice farm and drop the box off along the side of a road.

Farmers always pick up boxes of stray animals from the roadside and take them home.  Sometimes they nurture and care for them and everyone’s life is better for it.  Who doesn’t love a box full of kittens or puppies?  Where do you think all those lovely pictures on the internet come from?  Think of it like helping mother nature to equally distribute the wildlife amongst the farmers who are really struggling right now.  I realize your boyfriend is not a kitty or a puppy but he is housetrained right?   And farmers can always use an extra pair of hands around the farm.

Even if the farmer doesn’t need any extra help, and is in a grumpy mood . . .  he will just take your boyfriend to the creek and drown him, which may be more comforting to you anyway.

Dear Auntie Soshel; 

My boyfriend is such a douchesicle. He is so self-centered because he is always looking at himself in the mirror and thinking he is hot. He thinks I am lucky to have him for a boyfriend but all his friends try to hit on me all the time and I get lots of offers from other guys.  I just want him to stop looking in the mirror for 5 minutes and pay more attention to me?  I don’t even think he is that hot really. What should I do? 

Heated Up

Dear Hot Stuff;

You really cannot presume to tell someone else that they are not hot when they say they are.  Every one is entitled to their own feelings and temperature.  Have you even taken his temperature?  It could be male menopause or something because you know,  some men do suffer hot flashes.

I recommend a rectal thermometer.  A really big one.  If he does not seem keen on the idea, get dressed up in a nurse’s uniform.  Men are so predictable.  Once you have established his temperature/or lack of one either you can get off your high horse or he can have a special sticker for completing the first step towards recovery – accepting that he has a problem, that being he thinks he is hot when he is clearly normal or maybe even below average.  But you may also be able to locate his head while you are inserting the thermometer and arrange to have it dislodged.  This could be a meaningful intervention that bonds you for life.

. . . orrrrr, it might be grounds for an assault charge and land you in jail.  Either way your problem is solved.

Auntie Soshel would also like to announce that I have had to cancel the sock puppet play for the St. Mary’s School for Girl raised under a rock, blindfolded and dressed in bubble wrap, featuring Binky and Winky .. the anatomically correct sock puppets in a pseudo shakespearian, Anne Rician, James Bondian. Mr Beanian thriller about how babies are made.  Binky’s penis fell off and has been irrepairably damaged.   Now accepting donations of anatomically correct sock puppets. . . and money … always accepting money …

Keep those questions coming!