nailed it burlap

I went to a luncheon with a friend. The speaker wanted us women to all know how to put the spice back in our marriage.

I couldn’t figure out where the men were.

Could she not see the choir robes all the women were wearing??

Anyway she gave us a bunch of instructions, I couldn’t hear most of what she said. It is not her fault, it is what happens when I slip in an ear bud in my ear and turn up the music really loud. I did have to listen at the very end, mainly because my phone went dead and sticking my fingers in my ears was not an option. I tried. The woman next to me made a motion with her finger across her neck and kicked me under the table . . . that was what made it clear it was not an option.

The speaker had a bunch of scenerio’s on the screen and we had to promise to pick one suggestion and try it at home for our husbands. She promised we would see the difference. I was disappointed that there was not some kind of penalty gift offered if she failed because I find that is helpful in keeping people from making empty promises. Like when you mom tells you she promised it isn’t going to hurt when you get your shot, and it does . . . I think she should have had to give me a pony. That way she stops telling me stupid things. The stuff the lady wanted us to try sounded stupid.

Then, this lady made us all promise. I said I promise but I didn’t pinky swear and we all know that a promise without a pinky swear eliminates any responsibility whatsoever. Which is exactly why so many marriages fail … do you ever see a pinky swear as part of the ceremony? No.

We had to write it down and then she had the table monitors check that none of us had cheated and just pretended to write or that we were drawing really insulting pictures of her. I was guilty on both counts. I only gave in because the rest of the women looked like one more failure to comply and they were going to lose it. A mob of unhappy women in heels who have been tasked with unleashing their lost sexuality and reclaiming their glory days, all waiting back at their house, being made to wait for the promised rebirth, is pretty damn scary. I was thinking of something I could write when another swift kick reminded me I had promised to behave AND I had pinky sworn it. So I wrote down, I would try to “update my old tired look with something fashionable and new.” I was supposed to surprise my husband with my new look and then we were expected to go somewhere romantic for dinner and let the rest of the evening “just unfold.” She made those crinkly eyes and fake smiled at us when she said it. Think of the way your kindergarten teacher used to talk to all of you. It is even more annoying when you are an adult and no longer care about a promised scratch and sniff stickers. She suggested we search the internet for some ideas and really put some effort into doing something different.

Anyway, I went home and forgot all about it until about half an hour before hubby was due home. I typed in “latest fashion looks,” clicked on the first picture that came up and did my best to reproduce it. I think I nailed it.