Letters From Home.

Dear Son – on the occasion of not having heard from you for months now …

Hi … It’s mom… remember me? Tall lady? You remember mom and dad? I was the shorter one on the team. I wore dresses and had breasts?

Try it with me now,say the word ? “MMMMMom….Mommmm….MOM ….” That’s it put your lips together and make a sound. Ring any bells yet?

Hope you got the money we sent you last time you called. Hope the car we bought for you is still doing well. Your dad and I hope to have one just like it when we finish paying for yours. It is hard sometimes to get my walker up the steps of the bus. Don’t worry, nothing serious, I slipped on the ice and fell on the sidewalk and lay buried in snow for several hours on my way to wire you more money. I am on the waiting list to get a new hip, if the local church is able to raise enough money to pay for it at the next Doily Extravaganza next month. Don’t worry if they can’t, I think hips are highly over-rated anyway, and it is not like I don’t have another one right?

Hope you had a swell time on the big holiday we cashed in all our life’s savings of airmiles for. You were right, you deserved a holiday after you flunked out of uni for the third time. I am sorry that all the money we paid for you to attend and not have any debt hanging on your shoulders once you graduated, just did not work out. We absolutely loved seeing pics from your trip. We have hung them all on our wish wall … and pray to them every day ….

Wow, this has been a tough tough year for you hasn’t it? I know you must have broken your fingers or something and I am really sorry. How awful for you. However are your coping? THAT along with the piano tied to your ass must really add to your burdens at the moment. Sometimes I don’t know how you even cope.

AND the fact you were kidnapped and taken hostage to the remote Ural mountains in Russia, wow! I know in those types of situations that they don’t usually give you a room with a phone, or the internet, and you would have lost your cell phone at the same time thieves must have also taken your computer and all other electronic devices that you bragged about and showed me you had bought. I understand completely that you can’t possibly get hold of me right now. I hope they are treating you well. I know you hate it when I say, “I told you so,” but this is why I told you would regret it when you dropped out of scouts right before they had the big jamboree where they taught “smoke signal classes.”

I am however pleased to hear you won the lottery and understand completely that you just have all those hundred dollar notes and no change for the phone. Don’t you hate that when it happens? It ALWAYS seems to happen with the big winners… so I do know you would not possibly have any change in your pocket for a public phone either. I am sure the kidnappers seldom take you to the city to shop or give you free time what with the busy busy schedule of beatings and torture. Do you know when they might be sending the ransom note? Cause I would treasure any communication from you .. no matter how small .. really …

How is Binky? That lovely little carrier pigeon I bought for you? I hope he hasn’t died or been taken hostage too .

But hey, I love ya … at least I think I do … could you just confirm the above, and I will let you know.

Love Mom

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