run biffster run

My brother tried to run away from home in high heels once.

He made it just passed the corrals down by the slough. Then he slipped on a cow patty, caught his heel in a gopher hole, and he was down for the count.

A couple of cows tried to revive him. Well maybe the one who licked him did. The one who peed on him may have remembered him from an unfortunate milking incident earlier. People pee on people here in Australia when they get stung by a jelly fish and that is a good thing. Well, it is a good thing in comparison to either death or surviving several hours with the sensation of the entire Mormon Tabernacle Choir using your body as an ashtray to put out their cigarettes on . . . repeatedly . . . all through the Hallelujah Chorus . . .. I am not sure about the whole cow take on it. Humanitarian or not? Discuss amongst yourselves.

I saw my brother go down in the field and heard something like bones crunching. Sound carries really well in the empty prairies. He broke his ankle.

At least I think it was broken. I could hear him screaming, “OH F**K, Holy Mother of God, I’ve broken my F**king ankle.”

But I don’t like to speculate. I’m not a doctor, although I do look really good in scrubs. I swear if you saw me you would be sure I was a doctor. People take their clothes off in front of me all the time.

I watched Biff crawl back across the cow patty infested field, through the duck pond, under the electric fence which he didn’t quite clear, and then up to the steps of the house. I was sitting there eating some popcorn and sipping green kool aid.

I figured the pain must have really messed with his mind.

It was the only way I could explain why he would have dragged himself all the way back to the very same people he had sworn at earlier and said that he would not get in the car to drive with them anywhere if they were the last people on earth giving him the only ride left to get off a burning planet.

His metaphors were always all over the place and made no sense. It runs in the family.

Being as “those people” were probably not going to want to drive him anywhere after that outburst, I thought he might have been smarter to drag his broken foot towards the hospital. At least the parking lot is virtually cow patty free.

It might be an interesting study for Harvard to take a bunch of brothers, dress them in high heels after a fight with their parents. The boys could insult them and then flee across the prairies. We could figure out how many make it, how many break their ankles, and how many have enough common sense to drag themselves in the right direction.

I think my brother would be up for it again, in the name of science, I mean. There is a lot to be said for remedial testing. You could further the work of Einstein and find out if the definition of insanity really is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. If my brother hesitated, or was unwilling, well … that is what cattle prods are for, right?

I think they really limit the usefulness of a tool when they name it something that is clearly going to block some people from considering its many other practical applications. They should at least do a new campaign to try and give it new life. “Cattle Prods, not just for Cattle anymore . . .

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