noooo

Against my better judgment, I went with a friend to a meeting where people get high on life and no-one ever even checks the kool-aid OR the brownies.

They claim it is spontaneous combustion. Real energy … flowing ….living in the moment. Moment-ing all over the place. I tried to explain to one of them once that people do expect some kind of flow of continuity from one moment to the next. If you are really happy this moment, in the next moment you should at least still be kind of happy. Like, you can’t be happy, and then sad, and then angry, and then bored in 4 consecutive moments. They call that shit “bipolar.”

Anyway I went and I promised myself just to smile and nod and not to roll my eyes. I practiced by phoning my sister in law and letting her go on and on an on and not rolling my eyes until I had tears running down my face AND a headache.

The speaker for the day talked about how we need to belong in our communities so that we can be part of the “change we want to see.” I actually liked the speaker I heard at the last one of these things I attended better. He was advocating that we all find caves, retreat, eat bark and berries, and understand how much better than everyone else we were. I think when the rapture comes, the first place God looks, is in the caves.

THIS speaker wanted us all to join in. Someone said they have a hard time fitting in so we broke into groups to discuss ways we can break through those barriers. Oh, and also so we could hug one another until we felt better. I had an instantaneous healing and felt better as soon as I saw the woman in the purple moo moo with a homemade broach with a smiley face, a stuffed crocheted bird and some plastic flowers, heading towards me with her arms open wide. Instantly. Better.

They told us we all have to be able to influence the world around us with our chakra tuned and balanced – yoga enhanced -qi gonged to death – energy. They brought out extra plates of bark while we discussed and captured our ideas – oh – and hugged anyone who fell off the well being wagon and needed more group reassurance.

There was a whole bunch of stuff going on. I think someone should address how eating nothing but bark tends to make people cranky and bitchy, albeit probably a very centred and flowing bitchiness, but bitchy none the less. Like some people stopped hugging.

I was one of them.

In the end we regrouped, counted everyone to make sure we had no dead bodies shoved under a chair or something, or that no-one had escaped. These people are serious about their loving you – whether you want to be loved or not and they will hunt you down if you try to escape. We made a universal list that we could all take home with us, to allow us to penetrate the enemy camp get out there and force them to let us belong in our communities.

Of course we identify anyone not attending the meeting as being unenlightened, losers, who need our extra loving and stern teaching. Not to mention bombing them with our special higher energy to help them realign with the flow of the universe of which we are the tap monitors.

High on the list of ideas was to join in the same type of activities. Only after we protect ourselves from ever soaking in any of their negative inferior energy. When we “mirror” one another, we make powerful kung fu type of energetic connections with others. It is like hugging them without them even knowing.

I went home and told my husband we had to go. He wanted to know why I was putting on my rubber boots and why I was taking his jack knife. I told him because I did not have a penis and I couldn’t find the axe.

I had planned a nice afternoon of mirroring our neighbours. We were going to wander into their yards and pee all over their gardens. Then we would hunt and kill any of the little wildlife we saw running around. Next we would scatter their maimed bodies around their yard for them and their children to find. It was not going to be pretty but it had to be done. In the name of belonging, it HAD to be done. We HAD to mirror them. It was the only way to finally be allowed to belong.

Hubby locked the doors.

Apparently peeing, maiming and killing was out. I suggested we could get a bullwhip and learn how to use it and work it hard at 4 AM when we get up and everyone else is still sleeping.

He didn’t buy that either. He said we did not have a bullwhip. I showed him my talent of snapping belts, not as loud, but any sound repeated continuously long enough can cause insanity … we just had to be really committed.

He hid the belts.

Well I was exhausted. I didn’t know what else we could do to join in with the normal activities of our neighbours, except we could be really rude to one another and ignore each other but that seemed ridiculous, how could we ignore them when they are ignoring us? How would we know who won?

In the end I had to just go to bed knowing that not only did I not fit in with the world around me, I failed “belonging school.” I doubt they were ever going to invite me back anyway, they could tell I was not really hugging them back. Evidently, some of them had difficulty trying to hold my limp body up so I wouldn’t slump to the ground. I can’t help it. I am Canadian and we are trained from the time we are children how to play dead. It is a survival skill. I was surviving.

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