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Life On The Naughty Chair

I'm the reason they started prayers in school. I'm also the proof that prayer is not enough.

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An Epic Trip Back To Canada.

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First time on Korean airlines.  Really impressed with the leg room and the cleanliness and the overall experience.  We did 10 hours and a stop-over in Korea to change planes and then 10 hours to Vancouver.  Both flights were about half full so everyone had more than enough to room to stretch out or even lay down.  I said it was like having a sleepover with a bunch of friends or family after a great party and everyone fell asleep on the couch in their clothes.  Except, these people were much more friendly than our friends or family – in that they none of them were asking us for money, running from the law, or trying to pinch my cheeks.

I was not thrilled with the food.  It all tasted the same.  A salad with something weird and unidentifiable in it that was half from mars and half from the annual church picnic (i.e. potato salad with some kind of slimy something in it).  The desert was the same one for all meals.  It was a thin cake base with a gelatine, milky some kind of layer and then a thin layer of fruit jello of some kind.  They changed with each meal to colour co-ordinate, only they weren’t trying to match it to the bowls or a flower arrangement – it was to the colour of the meat.  One of the jellos was orange.  You get my drift.

There wasn’t any salt, pepper or sugar with the meal but they did give us a toothpick and real metal utensils which greatly surprised me being as they could all be used as weapons.  Why take my nail clippers if you are going to give me a knife and fork?  I can do martial arts with a knife and fork.  I can butcher a water buffalo with  a spoon.  Really. Nail clippers … can anyone actually cut a toe nail with one of those things? I mean without bleeding out? Continue reading “An Epic Trip Back To Canada.”

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When Childhood Experiences Traumatize You For Life.

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My childhood was pretty brutal. We learned hard lessons in unspeakable ways. You might want to get out the hanky now, this is yet another sad sad tale.

Wandering around the prairies as kids, trying to find something to do, I mean after we had exhausted looking at the cows and weaving wheat, making pictures with wheat, chewing the wheat, smoking the wheat, rearranging the cows . . . it was tough to find things to do.

So we wandered. We reeeeaaaallly wandered. . . as far as our little legs would take us in a given day.

And we would find awesome, abandoned buildings. Some were just granaries out in the middles of the field with some old grain, a dead mouse and/or bird somewhere inside that we pretended were dead cowboys and we immediately morphed in The Lawman, or the Lone Ranger and Tonto.  We whipped out our imaginations from our back pockets and went wild.  Sometimes we pronounce the old building a fort, sometimes a castle. The acoustics in those old granaries was awesome so they were, of course, some kind of stage and I made my brother tie his coat around his hips into a type of saloon girl special and we would can can the day away.

Surprisingly, we also found old houses in various states of left-overness. Some had furniture and odds and ends. Some were falling down and some housed other animals that had moved in. We had great fun with those. Continue reading “When Childhood Experiences Traumatize You For Life.”

Christmas Crap

Myrrhadee Christmas

Gather around Chick and Stud-lets, have I got a Christmas load for you! And just in time for the big day. Is it just me or have we all spent far too may days to count, wandering the grounds of those gated homes, avoiding the guard dogs and the worrisome big guy with the gun, our little noses pressed up against the window, staring in at a lifestyle that we can only dream of? Isn’t it always worse at Christmas time?

I bet you have often thought, in despair, I can never ever have a Christmas like that, why the hell couldn’t mommy and daddy have just waited until after the rich people had sex so that I had a chance to be born to a much better life?  And how many of us never bought mommy or daddy another Christmas gift, and then had to go to lots of therapy with meds that just distracted you with a bunch of imaginary friends, one of them a clown who kept trying to get you to do bad things?

Put the pill bottle down. I can make your dream Christmas come true. Look what I have found and am willing to share with you. Continue reading “Christmas Crap”

Life With Warning Labels

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Character Building days should come with a warning. Like no-one should ever have to wake up all alone and abandoned to one of those days … completely oblivious that you are about to hit the Serengeti Trail playing the role of the weakest gazelle in the herd while the lions circle. Compassion does not have to be a big production, but the coffee fairy should at least leave you a great cup by your bedside. Maybe someone could brush your teeth for you or something. And of course the entire team from Emergency Relief should be there offering words of encouragement and handing you a teddy bear and a cookie.

A mommy should be on stand by. Continue reading “Life With Warning Labels”

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